Evangelical Reformation

People not in leadership tend to think that leading is easy and fun. However, many aspects of leadership are difficult, for example, the added responsibility, the work required to do a good job, and the inescapable criticism.

One of the toughest aspects of leadership is the ultimate need to confront a child or wife regarding something he or she is doing that is wrong—e.g. putting on too much weight.

You can count on the fact that ultimately your leadership will be challenged. It is human nature. Those under authority virtually always test the resolve of an authority figure.

Therefore, the need to confront will present itself, and when it comes, the husband and father must do it. If he caves in, those under authority will push for more. They will keep pushing until eventually they are in charge or it is evident that no one is in charge and chaos rules.

These alternatives will not work. It is God’s design that the husband and father be the authority in the family. Any other arrangement will fail—will produce unhappiness for all concerned, including the one who has usurped authority. 

Therefore, it is best for a husband and father to take a stand sooner rather than later.

This is tough business. Most husbands and fathers want to avoid confrontation like the plague.

Since the need to confront will come, and not doing so will lead to failure, we need to ask how to make confrontation as easy as possible. The answer is found in following all of the leadership principles described in previous posts. The reason is that in so doing you earn the right to confront. You will know it and they will know it.

• If you have sacrificed as a leader, you have earned the right to lead.
• If you have taken initiative, are assuming responsibility, and are advancing a biblical agenda with wisdom, you are leading effectively, which gives you the right to confront.
• If you have chosen your battlefields carefully, it should be evident to all that the issue at hand is one of significance that should be confronted.
• If you have sought to make your leadership easy to follow by getting into the other person’s shoes, seeking to see life from his or her perspective, and walking down the path with that person as far as you can biblically and reasonably go, then the person you are confronting should recognize that you have done your best to understand and empathize.

Usually by the time you have done all of the above, you and your wife or children realize that you have earned the right to call them on the issue at hand. This does not mean that it will be easy, that they will agree with you, or that they will not respond with hostility. However, laying this foundation gives a husband and father the confidence that he is on solid ground in confronting the issue at hand.

We must confront when the time comes. However, first we need to lay the groundwork so that we will have earned the right and developed the confidence to do it.

Providing direction, even good direction, is the easiest part of leadership. The challenge is making that leadership as palatable, as easy to follow, as possible. This is achieved through a number of means. 

One way is by expressing the least amount of authority required to get the job done. 

I know husbands that bark orders at their wives and children like a Marine Corps drill sergeant. They even do this in front of other people, which is especially demeaning. 

This practice is very egotistical and foolish, doing serious damage to a man’s most meaningful human relationships. Even if a wife and children are not responsive to the directives of a husband, this approach seldom resolves the problem. 

In fact, when a husband and father raises his voice, it merely reveals that he has lost control of the situation. He will be much more authoritative and effective if he lowers his voice. 

Another way for a husband and father to make following easy is seeking input from his wife and children, and then seeking to respond to their desires while leading the family in the best direction. 

It is best to build consensus whenever possible. Sometimes that is not possible. However, when a husband and father makes the effort to do so, the family is much more understanding when he chooses a direction contrary to theirs. 

In the process of getting input or dealing with problems, one goal is for a husband and father to attempt to see the world from the perspective his wife and children. 

This does not mean that he should agree with that view of the world. However, attempting to see the world through their eyes will enable him to better understand them and meet their needs. 

Just as significant, they will sense that he genuinely cares about their feelings and desires. This will make it easier for them to trust him, even if he takes them in a direction that they would not choose. 

The best way for a husband and father to get into the world of his wife and children is to ask them what they are thinking and feeling and why. 

In the discussion, he should try to walk down the path they are on with them as far as he can. He may come to a fork in the road where he must go a different direction. However, the fact that he has gotten into their world and has walked with them helps them to understand when he must take a different path. 

For example, a son may want a tattoo. A response such as, “Why would you want to pay money to have someone mark up your body?” will only build animosity. However, sincerely asking, “Can you tell my why you want a tattoo?” may begin a meaningful conversation. 

When he shares, “It is the cool thing to do, and all of my friends have one,” a response such as, “It is hard to be the only one without one, isn’t it?” makes him feel that you are walking down his path with him. 

However, as you discuss the matter, you may finally have to say, “Son, I don’t like to make decisions that alienate you from your friends, but I sense that if I let you do this, a few years from now you will feel that I failed you.” He may not be happy with that decision, but he will probably accept it better knowing that you tried to understand. 

There are many other techniques for making our leadership easier to follow. It is important that as husbands and fathers we thoughtfully seek to identify and implement those techniques. 

It had been awhile since Rob and Heather had been out, so they arranged for a baby sitter and were enjoying a nice evening together at Red Lobster. As they were waiting for their appetizer to come, Heather, out of the blue, made a comment about Rob spending too much time at work.

Rob felt himself becoming frustrated—maybe even a little angry. He was spending that time at work to support his family. In fact, it was that hard work that allowed them to enjoy this evening out.  Instead of being appreciated for his efforts, he was being criticized.

As Rob was about to launch into his defense and his related displeasure with Heather’s lack of gratitude, he was suddenly seized by a rare moment of objectivity. It dawned on him that he could make an issue of Heather’s comment and ruin the whole evening. The money invested would be wasted and a time together designed to be an asset to their marriage would end up being a liability. On the other hand, if he would smooth over the situation, in just a few minutes they would be back to having a good time, and the evening would be a joy and a marriage builder.

Thinking quickly, Rob smiled and said, “It’s nice that you want me to be home with you. I enjoy being home with you, too. I am doing my best to spend as much time at home as I can, but I will try even harder.” Heather responded with an adoring smile, and they had a great evening together.

Rob’s response was the right one for the situation. However, different circumstances might have warranted a different response. For example, if Heather had been nagging him all day on this issue, if they were not investing in a nice evening together, if this had been an issue for some time, or if her comments were more strident, a more confrontational response might have been legitimate and even necessary.

Effective leadership includes the capacity to distinguish between the big issues and the little issues—the wisdom to know which issues to let slide and which ones to address.

At times it is not easy to know which is right. Usually we must consider a broad range of factors, integrating them together to come up with the best response.   

This takes us back to the topic of the previous post on counterbalancing issues. It requires the mind of Christ and practical wisdom to make the right call.

Responding correctly is made even harder by our personal orientation. Some husbands and fathers have a natural inclination to pick at everything, while others fail to confront when they should. Whichever is our inclination, we need to rise above this tendency and the related emotions, and discipline ourselves to do what is best for our families.

Choosing our battlefields carefully will significantly enhance the atmosphere in our homes. Next time you are faced with a situation that seems to call for a response, give careful thought to whether this is a battle you should fight.