Evangelical Reformation

Providing direction, even good direction, is the easiest part of leadership. The challenge is making that leadership as palatable, as easy to follow, as possible. This is achieved through a number of means. 

One way is by expressing the least amount of authority required to get the job done. 

I know husbands that bark orders at their wives and children like a Marine Corps drill sergeant. They even do this in front of other people, which is especially demeaning. 

This practice is very egotistical and foolish, doing serious damage to a man’s most meaningful human relationships. Even if a wife and children are not responsive to the directives of a husband, this approach seldom resolves the problem. 

In fact, when a husband and father raises his voice, it merely reveals that he has lost control of the situation. He will be much more authoritative and effective if he lowers his voice. 

Another way for a husband and father to make following easy is seeking input from his wife and children, and then seeking to respond to their desires while leading the family in the best direction. 

It is best to build consensus whenever possible. Sometimes that is not possible. However, when a husband and father makes the effort to do so, the family is much more understanding when he chooses a direction contrary to theirs. 

In the process of getting input or dealing with problems, one goal is for a husband and father to attempt to see the world from the perspective his wife and children. 

This does not mean that he should agree with that view of the world. However, attempting to see the world through their eyes will enable him to better understand them and meet their needs. 

Just as significant, they will sense that he genuinely cares about their feelings and desires. This will make it easier for them to trust him, even if he takes them in a direction that they would not choose. 

The best way for a husband and father to get into the world of his wife and children is to ask them what they are thinking and feeling and why. 

In the discussion, he should try to walk down the path they are on with them as far as he can. He may come to a fork in the road where he must go a different direction. However, the fact that he has gotten into their world and has walked with them helps them to understand when he must take a different path. 

For example, a son may want a tattoo. A response such as, “Why would you want to pay money to have someone mark up your body?” will only build animosity. However, sincerely asking, “Can you tell my why you want a tattoo?” may begin a meaningful conversation. 

When he shares, “It is the cool thing to do, and all of my friends have one,” a response such as, “It is hard to be the only one without one, isn’t it?” makes him feel that you are walking down his path with him. 

However, as you discuss the matter, you may finally have to say, “Son, I don’t like to make decisions that alienate you from your friends, but I sense that if I let you do this, a few years from now you will feel that I failed you.” He may not be happy with that decision, but he will probably accept it better knowing that you tried to understand. 

There are many other techniques for making our leadership easier to follow. It is important that as husbands and fathers we thoughtfully seek to identify and implement those techniques. 

It had been awhile since Rob and Heather had been out, so they arranged for a baby sitter and were enjoying a nice evening together at Red Lobster. As they were waiting for their appetizer to come, Heather, out of the blue, made a comment about Rob spending too much time at work.

Rob felt himself becoming frustrated—maybe even a little angry. He was spending that time at work to support his family. In fact, it was that hard work that allowed them to enjoy this evening out.  Instead of being appreciated for his efforts, he was being criticized.

As Rob was about to launch into his defense and his related displeasure with Heather’s lack of gratitude, he was suddenly seized by a rare moment of objectivity. It dawned on him that he could make an issue of Heather’s comment and ruin the whole evening. The money invested would be wasted and a time together designed to be an asset to their marriage would end up being a liability. On the other hand, if he would smooth over the situation, in just a few minutes they would be back to having a good time, and the evening would be a joy and a marriage builder.

Thinking quickly, Rob smiled and said, “It’s nice that you want me to be home with you. I enjoy being home with you, too. I am doing my best to spend as much time at home as I can, but I will try even harder.” Heather responded with an adoring smile, and they had a great evening together.

Rob’s response was the right one for the situation. However, different circumstances might have warranted a different response. For example, if Heather had been nagging him all day on this issue, if they were not investing in a nice evening together, if this had been an issue for some time, or if her comments were more strident, a more confrontational response might have been legitimate and even necessary.

Effective leadership includes the capacity to distinguish between the big issues and the little issues—the wisdom to know which issues to let slide and which ones to address.

At times it is not easy to know which is right. Usually we must consider a broad range of factors, integrating them together to come up with the best response.   

This takes us back to the topic of the previous post on counterbalancing issues. It requires the mind of Christ and practical wisdom to make the right call.

Responding correctly is made even harder by our personal orientation. Some husbands and fathers have a natural inclination to pick at everything, while others fail to confront when they should. Whichever is our inclination, we need to rise above this tendency and the related emotions, and discipline ourselves to do what is best for our families.

Choosing our battlefields carefully will significantly enhance the atmosphere in our homes. Next time you are faced with a situation that seems to call for a response, give careful thought to whether this is a battle you should fight.

While I was attending seminary in California, a little church nearby was gracious enough to let me be their pastor. Apparently, they saw their ministry as giving young pastors a chance to practice on them.

With all the enthusiasm of a young buck just starting to preach, I wanted to drive home the obligation to be completely sold out on every issue I addressed.

I distinctly remember preaching on sacrifice. This seemed to be an easy one. Christ gave everything for us on the cross. How could we do less? Therefore, it was evident that total sacrifice should be a hallmark of our lives.

The only problem was those verses that seemed to be saying just the opposite. For example, the apostle Paul in thanking the Philippians for their gift, commented, “I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity.” (Phil. 4:12 NASV) He seemed to be saying that when he had plenty of money he knew how to enjoy it, though no doubt without being self-indulgent.

Likewise, in 1 Timothy 6:12, Paul, in admonishing the rich notes that God “provides us with everything for our enjoyment.” This verse seems to be teaching us that God wants us to enjoy His provisions.

These passages were ruining my sermon on total sacrifice. They indicate that the Christian life is not all sacrifice, but that God expects us to enjoy at least some of what He has given to us.

The next week’s topic was separation from the world. As I started to wind up for a convicting sermon on our need for separation from a sinful world, those verses about Jesus hobnobbing with the publicans and sinners started to get in my way. Apparently, just as with sacrifice, there were limits to separation.

It soon became apparent to me that for every concept in Scripture, there was a counterbalancing concept, so that every teaching of Scripture was delimited by an offsetting teaching.

Scripture not only teaches the righteousness and judgment of God, but it also reveals his mercy and grace. We not only have passages about not being weary in well doing, but we also hear Christ calling us to come apart and rest awhile. We have verses on obeying the government, and others that instruct us that we ought to obey God rather than men. The fact is that one is hard-pressed to find any scriptural concept that is not paired with a counterbalance in the opposite direction.

This arrangement holds implications for almost every practical decision we make. If we spend too little on a car, it will be an unreliable money pit. On the other hand, if we spend more for a car we reach the point of diminishing returns and poor stewardship.

Therefore, one of the most important skills of life is to be able to discern the point at which counterbalancing concepts meet. In the instance just mentioned, what is the optimal amount to spend on a car?

In disciplining children, we can nitpick at everything, driving them crazy and destroying our relationship with them, or we can be neglectful, failing to provide sufficient discipline. The challenge is to find the midpoint of maximum effectiveness.

How does one discern that ideal balance between the extremes? First, it requires the development of the in-depth knowledge of the Word of God discussed in our previous post.

One of the most encouraging phrases in Scripture is the last segment of 1 Corinthians 2:16, which asserts: “But we have the mind of Christ.” This passage provides assurance that as we seek to make the decisions of life from a biblical perspective, the Word of God will enable us to think Christ’s thoughts after Him. This goes beyond knowing specific verses related to the decision before us. Rather, it refers to understanding the mind of Christ so well that we instinctively know what He would do in the situation confronting us.

Balanced decisions also require practical knowledge. To make a good decision about the purchase of a car, we need to know something about cars. Likewise, in dealing with children, we need to understand kids in general, our kids in particular, and where they are in their lives at the moment.

Since decision-making is a major element of leadership, it is essential that a husband and father recognize this need for finding the optimal balance between the extremes. He must also develop the scriptural and practical knowledge necessary to make the decisions at hand.

This requires substantial work. However, the payback for doing an excellent job is substantial. Beyond that, God calls us to do the work necessary to lead effectively.